


Operation Get Vanya a Date (so the apocalypse doesn't happen again)

by demonbunnies



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Lesbian Vanya Hargreeves, Multi, Post-Season/Series 01, will probably have angst though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2019-11-23 09:36:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18150155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonbunnies/pseuds/demonbunnies
Summary: Harold Jerkoff (or whatever his name is Klaus really doesn't give a shit) was an absolute asshole and Klaus, Diego and Five are out to help Vanya get the perfect date she deserves. Also, it will mean the world won't end this time round, which is admittedly a nice added bonus.





	1. Exposition

“My darling Five, as much as a I respect and admire your fabulous time switcheroo thing, I don’t understand why we need to talk about this again! The apocalypse has already happened. Well it happened in the future, which is still our past – which is pretty weird if you think about it, but hey what is time anyways? In any case, Vanya has pinky promised not to explode Luther’s precious moon again, so what’s the point of this quaint little meeting?” Whilst emptying Sir Reginald Hargreeves illustrious liquor cabinet, Klaus was babbling to his four – well five if you count Ben (which you really should in Klaus’ humble opinion) – siblings that were scattered around the spacious room.

  
Five stood from the bar, downing the dregs of his third coffee of the morning, muttering, “God you lot don’t have much in the brain region." He looked round at the calamity that was the Hagreeves children and spoke slowly, “As I have explained three times already, we need to take everything in the timeline into account. Every single extraneous variable must be removed to ensure the apocalypse won’t happen in a week, again.”

  
“Better contain Number Seven then.” Luther scoffed, and Allison slapped his arm, giving him a stare that meant _I will gut you in your sleep you disgusting ape_ (or at least that’s what Klaus hoped it meant). Diego had evidently decided to not wait until Luther was asleep, as he moved away from where he was leant against the wall towards Luther, ready for a fight. Ben was attempting to bang his head on the wall, despite phasing through it each time, because of his mess of a family.

  
“Stand down, Diego dear, as much as we would all love to see a rerun on your daily showdown with Godzilla here, Five might have a point and Ben may hurt his ghost ass soon if you continue this particular course of action. Plus, this room has seen enough damage recently, and I’m sure you don’t want Mom to have to clean your blood off the floor a second time this week.” Klaus’ strangely rational words made Diego physically deflate, he nodded before stiffly sitting down on the couch next to Allison.

  
Despite this little intermission, Five continued completely unfazed, “I have calculated all the factors that cause the apocalypse,” At this he gestured lazily to his wall of illegible scribbles, “and there are two main things that need dealing with. First is Hazel and Cha-Cha. We arrived here after they shot up the house and took Klaus, meaning they have no suitcase making this ten times easier.”

  
“We all need to work together on this, we need a plan. What we’re going to do is-”

  
Allison quickly interjected, “Or, I could just Rumour them, and anyone else from Five’s crazy time organisation to leave us alone.”

  
“No, I can’t allow that. It’s dangerous, Allison!”

  
“Oh, shut up Luther, she’s not your damsel in distress, she can look after herself.” Diego wanted to fight Luther again despite what Klaus said.

  
“It seems Allison is the only one of you lot that has a decent idea. Right, so Allison will sort out Hazel and Cha-Cha, Luther go with her so you can keep her safe and so you don’t die of worrying here. Next we need to deal with-”

  
Five was cut off as Luther stormed out the room gripping Allison’s arm and pulling her in tow, “We’ll deal with them right away, so Vanya won’t try to kill us again. Bye.”

  
Klaus had finished flushing ridiculously expensive liquids down the drain, and he twirled around dramatically with his hand to his heart.“Oh! he just makes me feel so loved every time I see him. Never met anyone more charming than our big bro Luther!”

  
“Well I guess us three will have to deal with the other factor,” Five pointed to a name on the wall written in chalk, “Harold Jenkins is the main variable that triggers the apocalypse. In the other timeline, Hazel and Cha-Cha received an order to protect him, which means we need to kill him before he can meddle with Vanya.”

  
“Wait, wait,” Diego held up a warning hand, “this guy might not have done anything yet, and anyways Vanya knows he’s a creep now, so it’s not like she will go running to him anytime soon.”

 

Five looked slightly constipated as he said, “That might be a valid point.”

  
“I'm really not against killing Henry as he is a total creep but he'd probably haunt me after and I can't be dealing with another obsessive ghost, I mean there's only so much Klaus to go around and Ben is the jealous type. Anyhoo, it might not be because of Hawkins – or whatever creepy face’s name is – maybe it’s that Vanya has never been loved her whole life that caused the apocalypse, and this Harriet guy abused that in order to make her think we all hated her. Luther locking her up may have slightly proven his case, but we all knew that Luther was an asshole to begin with. Nothing new you know!”

  
“What are you even getting at bro?”

  
Klaus ran an exasperated hand down his face, “What I mean, _bro_ , is that maybe Vanya needs to know what it’s like to have a normal, healthy relationship with someone who actually loves her for her, as well as her family’s support, so she doesn’t try to blow us all up again.”

  
“Since when did you know anything about healthy romantic relationships?” Diego was certain that no one in their family knew what a healthy relationship even looked like.

  
Klaus’s face turned into something soft and utterly vulnerable, until something flashed in his eyes and Klaus’ mouth suddenly upturned into his practiced fake grin, “There’s more to me than this deliciously sexy body, my knife-happy friend!”

  
“Okay… I still don’t get how Vanya’s terrible taste in men has anything to do with stopping the apocalypse.”

  
“What I mean, brother mine, is that Vanya won’t want to go all White Violin on us, if she is in love and happy. She is the most deserving of happiness despite all this apocalypse business. So, I propose our mission to find Vanya the perfect girlfriend!”

  
At this perfect moment, a very done Vanya Hargreeves walked into the room. 


	2. Complication

As Vanya entered the room, a rare hush took over the room as the siblings (well Diego at least) had the dignity to look slightly guilty at the fact that the object of their discussion had just entered the room. Unsurprisingly, Klaus quickly got over this social faux par: he grinned wildly at his sister, his dress swishing outwards as he turned adding to his natural dramatic flair.

“Vanya! Just the girl we’ve all been hopelessly waiting for, where could you have possibly been that was more important than being at your beloved siblings’ side?”

Vanya gave him a small, apprehensive smile and was about to answer when she was cut off by a quick cough from Diego.

“Uh, how much did you just hear?” He turned his head away from her, unwilling to show his embarrassment at the whole affair.

Vanya rubbed her hand on the back of her neck in a familiarly nervous gesture, casting her eyes to the ground before answering Diego, “I thought Klaus said something odd about getting me a… girlfriend?”

“Indeed! Because, my sweet little sister, it is what you deserve after this whole apocalypse business,” Klaus announced, lightly tapping Vanya on the nose, making her flinch slightly, “And who better than to find you the perfect match than this little mariachi band of Hargreeves’ fuckups?”

“Well, I guess that’s one way to spend your time…” Vanya shrugged as she thought it was about time the rest of her siblings got proper jobs, “Why do I need a girlfriend specifically though?”

Klaus looked appalled. “Oh honey, do you really not know?” Five raised an eyebrow at him, admittedly they were all equally confused with Klaus’ outlandish idea, “There’s a reason Leonardo was so bad for you, my dear, and it wasn’t just his evil scheming ways! Men are almost certainly not your thing, you’re as queer as a deer… if deer liked other deer that is.”

Vaguely mortified, Vanya stumbled over her reply: “Yes, well, I was sort of aware of my... _attraction_ to women, but he was so nice, and he thought I was special. I didn’t think anyone could ever be romantically interested in me so, it didn’t occur to me. I guess I was right, seeing as he wasn’t actually interested in _me_.”

“That bastard.” Diego muttered under his breath, itching for his knifes to go give Leonard multiple, very painful stab wounds.

“Who likes men anyways? Except for me, of course, but you all know by now of my masochistic tendencies.” Typical of Klaus to try and lighten the suddenly heavy mood with jokes. Ben rolled his eyes at him, before going back to his ghost book and pretending he didn’t know his brother (not that he had anyone to pretend to except for the weird dead woman in the corner who was chattering away to herself about bananas and the danger they pose to humanity).

“Um, well, it’s not like I could really tell before… I mean I think all those drugs Dad put me on numbed most emotions, so it’s not like I properly ever felt anything for anyone.” Vanya made a flustered attempt to try and make it not seem as bad (and totally failing at it).

“The _bastard_.” Diego countered, more aggressively this time. He threw an impromptu knife right at their father’s portrait, hitting him right between the eyes.

“Sometimes I forget you have been on drugs for even longer than I have...” Klaus whirled round to point his finger accusingly at Five, Diego and Ben, “And you’ve all been judging _me_ this entire time!”

Five slammed down his umpteenth mug of coffee with a clatter, “Are we going to go get her a girlfriend now or do you all take pleasure in wasting all my time?” It was clear that he was upset at the horrible reality of his favourite sister’s life and her impossibly low self-esteem, but it really would be the real apocalypse if Five showed anyone that he truly cared about them.

The siblings all took another hour deciding on what to do, none of them even knew how to get a relationship properly. They had all just stumbled upon their significant others haphazardly in the past, mainly in life threatening situations. It seemed most of them weren’t down to throw Vanya into a dangerous situation in the hopes that she would fine ‘the one’. Not able to properly reach a decision, or the fact that they were all hopelessly incompetent, they all somehow ended out on the streets asking random strangers if they wanted to go on a date with Vanya (so long as they succeeded the screening test of not running away in terror after being threatened by three crazy people with superpowers). Vanya had spent the majority of this in a state between utter embarrassment and amusement, as she watched her brothers’ good intentioned escapade into scaring as many strangers as possible. It was quite endearing seeing how much they seemed to care, going to such lengths just to make her happy. Even if it was in the weirdest, most insane way.

“This is useless.” Five declared finally.

“What did you even expect? We’re out on the streets, basically begging people to date our sister. It’s one of the stupidest things I’ve done since saving Klaus from ‘drowning’ in a kids ball pit.” Diego shook his head as he reminisced about the whole spectacular event.

“I don’t know how these things work.” Five threw his hands up in mild frustration, “Unlike the rest of you, I have been in a committed relationship for the last 30 years.”

“Five’s right. Can we please go inside now?” Vanya begged Klaus, who was the only one still trying (and failing) to flag down any passing woman who looked like they were vaguely able to deal with crazy, possibly apocalyptic starting, powers in a relationship (whatever that capability looked like to Klaus).

“Sure! We can all try and teach shy little Vanya here how to flirt instead, wouldn’t that be fun?” Klaus announced, dragging Vanya back through the large oak doors whilst she groaned in despair at Klaus’ new scheme.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you've the time (criticism is always welcome!). 
> 
> Admittedly, I am not good at dialogue or anything other than angst, so I apologise if this is as bad as I think it is. I am trying to improve writing characters and not just description!  
> I hope to upload more soon, but I am studying for my A-Level exams, so sorry if it is not quick. 
> 
> Thanks again :)


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